Wild Orchid

2011-06-27T02:13:00.003+08:00

It's all darkness. Everywhere.

...

2011-05-06T13:16:00.004+08:00

"And now, I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go..

Our lives are better left to chance

I could've missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance..."

When you love someone, you give a part of yourself away. A part that you will never really ever get back. Life goes on as usual, and new experiences come, some that almost help you forget. Almost. But when the days grow long, and fatigue sets in, and you no longer have the strength to hold it all at bay, everything crashes in on you and it's all you can do to keep from drowning in not just grief, but a chasm of emptiness that just seems to grow the longer it stays on your mind. And you wish you could reach across space and time and turn back the clock. To a time of smiles and laughter, of tender moments, of arguments and make ups, of a deep sharing of mind to mind, soul to soul. But you know that can never be. Just that knowledge itself is like the twist of a knife, right through the heart. A vise that grips and never quite eases its hold. So much was right, but in the end, it only takes one wrong. One.

He taught me to believe in love. He showed me in so many simple ways, what it means to love. Many may be skeptical, but what we had was more real than anything else I have ever encountered across the years. I made so many mistakes, so did he, but in the end it wasn't the mistakes that brought us down. Fundamental beliefs that run too deep to compromise... In the end, it came down to that. But that doesn't negate in any way what we had between us. I miss him, every day. Even now, I cannot bear to picture his smile, for fear the flimsy walls I've managed to construct will cave and there will no longer be anything standing between me and the flood of grief.

I will never forget him. Even when I've managed to lay the memories to rest, he will always be in my heart. The first and only man I ever loved. And though over time, the nature of it may change, I know that I will always love him. Always.

...

2011-05-01T12:01:00.003+08:00

I've always wondered... why be friends with people you don't respect? There's a big difference between civility and being friends with someone. The dynamics are totally different. How many of us would like finding out that the people we think of us "friends" actually don't like us, but hang out with us out of a misguided sense of inclusion, or worse, pity? Friendship is something beautiful and we would all like to believe that to some degree, we can trust the people we call friends. But when dynamics like these come into play, it jeopardizes the very structure on which friendship should be built. And I find that incredibly sad.

...

2011-04-27T21:05:00.000+08:00

Every single day it hits me, just what I've lost. I see the contrasts everywhere, and I can't help but think that I'm never going to find that again. He was more real to me than anyone could begin to comprehend. There's a hole in me now that I'm not sure will ever completely heal. Life goes on, it has to and I'm not wallowing, but there's always an underlying ache. Amidst the laughter, the fun, lies the realization that a part of me is gone. And I'm never going to get it back.

Analysis

2010-11-26T13:17:00.002+08:00

Resolve. Determination. Stubbornness? Yes, even that. "You always must get what you want." - True story. [Disposition - fighter]. Giving up: not an option. Optimism. Self-efficacy. Lots of those! Realism is in place, but there is always a way. So? Fear has its place. But hey: internal locus of control, baby! Some things are just worth being my usual hard-headed self for.

Sleep

2010-09-12T00:43:00.001+08:00

Sleep, I welcome thee

Because in you there's peace

A semblance, yes, but still

A mind that races

Imagination unsecured

Mazes and labyrinths

Of joys and woes

Fear and courage

Of weariness and hope

And yet, even in sleep

Heart calls to heart

Reaching out through

Space and time

So come sleep, let time pass

And tomorrow I shall wake up

In his loving arms.

Dreams

2010-09-12T00:42:00.001+08:00

Thoughts that creep up on you

Dreams that persist

Of silly squabbles and roaring laughter

Of football games and cheese

A simple supermarket trip

A slow walk down the road

Touch of a hand, skin warm and smooth

There's no greater pleasure

My mind could perceive

But everyday I awake

To an empty space

A reminder of time still left

Before we share a meal

Or have an evening in

Just such simple things

Time still left to burn

Before dreams become reality.

30 Hour Famine: In Retrospect

2010-08-23T17:35:00.001+08:00

The 30 Hour Famine has come and gone yet again. And all us campers have trotted off home with a sigh of a relief and a resounding "I survived!"

I've loved the idea of the Famine since I first heard of it in 07. It seemed a more relevant way of collecting funds than the usual jogathons or walkathons we did in school, plus it had the added benefit of creating not just factual awareness, but the actual experience of the plight of the people we were to help.

Every year, the organizers prepare a package of educational materials, including games, videos and presentations by their advocates and ambassadors in an attempt to expose the campers to what children today experience, living in war- or poverty-stricken areas. As a whole, these are superb as they highlight not just the stark reality of their plight, but they also take on a positive spin, showing us what can and is being done to fight it.

This year, though, my education came not directly from the content of the Famine, but how people were reacting to it, myself included. It's possible that not being on the committee this year (and thus, freed from the distraction of worrying about what needed to be done etc.), and being a volunteer instead of a camper, allowed me a little more time to observe and reflect on what went on. All these reflections are in retrospect, though, because actually being in the experience makes it tough to think beyond what you, personally, are experiencing (hence a HUGE kudos to World Vision for the experiential games -- probably the best learning tools of the whole camp!).

Sympathy, Not Empathy

One of the first things I realized once my brain kicked back into gear was how, although the camp was designed to help us feel what these people go through, my primary feelings were those of sympathy, not empathy. That is, while I appreciate and am horrified by the conditions so many people live in, I still couldn't put myself wholly in their situations. Why is this so?

I believe the purpose of having the Famine in the first place was to transport donors/campers INTO the world of these children, to make us live a day in their shoes. The problem for me was rather simple -- it was extremely difficult to imagine living a life that's a daily struggle for survival, simply because sitting in an air-conditioned hall, with clean water readily available, knowing the St. John's Ambulance team is on standby with emergency rations in case of severe gastric, etc., and being entertained for hours by delightful emcees who distract me from my hunger, was not conducive at all to developing empathy. It was almost as if we were at a 4D movie -- they were being brought into our hall, and although my heart went "awww" at all the appropriate moments, it was always from the outside looking in.

I also feel that the activities, while superb, actually created a situation where people were so distracted they forget about being hungry. I know that as a volunteer/committee member, the only times I ever felt hungry or tired or cranky was when I didn't have anything to do. How reminiscent is being busy all the time of what happens on the streets? Do people have the luxury of being distracted from their empty stomachs? I understand wholly from a marketing POV, and in the interest of safety and whatnots, why the campers are kept as comfortable as possible, with as little time to be bored as possible. 400 bored, hungry people would be rather difficult to deal with. However, again, these things could be brought into focus, helping people see that even though we're fasting for a "long" period of time, what we're going through barely even begins to scratch the surface of what people really living in poverty have to face.

Focus - What Are We REALLY Doing?

Another thing I was doing was grumble -- too cold, too tired, too loud... In retrospect, these are exactly the kind of feelings that should have been examined and brought to the fore. Instead of thinking about how to improve conditions for subsequent camps, these should be the sort of things that actually make us go, hey! We're given a chance to know what sleeping on a street with no warmth or bed is like, what people who have to work long hours with minimal sleep have to go through, how being homeless or poor means we have no control over the noises that invade our personal spaces -- night clubs, traffic, parties.. They have to put up with these things every single day, whereas we all had the choice of walking out, finding more comfortable sleeping spaces, etc.

At the concert - the final stretch - I know food kept crossing my mind, where to go, what to eat. How much to eat. But in retrospect, I think pushing away thoughts of food in those moments, and not indulging in them to the point of planning where to go, should be the ideal thing to do. Why? Because it immediately draws a huge line between us, privileged campers, and the poor. Because the poor don't have that option. They don't have the luxury of thinking, "Okay, so I've fasted for 20 odd hours now, what shall I have as a reward?" So in keeping with the spirit of the camp, I think we should avoid talk of post-Famine food binges and the thoughts on it pushed aside as far as we're able. Otherwise, we lose the plot in the last few hours, and that really is a shame!

Interestingly, this year the countdown started 10-15 minutes AFTER 4 p.m. And of course, I started doing this.. "4.01 p.m. -- eh? Still singing?? .. 4.03 p.m. -- aiyo, faster la!!! .. 4.07 p.m. -- whhaaaat?! Another song??! .." And so on. People were waving their bottles and bread in the air, most wondering why the concert was dragging on...But once again -- another lesson learned: why should we expect ANYTHING, when our purpose for doing the Famine is to live in the shoes of people who live day by day on faith, who cannot afford to have expectations, especially when it comes to their next meal. We grumble because we had 15 minutes added to our fasting time. What if we suddenly had to wait for days?

And so. Another lesson learned from my own sense of entitlement -- this is MORE of what sets us apart from the poor, and what should really makes us realize that we are beyond privileged just to be able to CHOOSE to do a Famine. Why grumble about what happens IN the Famine if we've voluntarily chosen to try to live like a poor person on the street? (And another thing: poor people don't get to see their favorite stars in concert at all, let alone for 4 hours running!!!)

Not Proud, Humbled

Lastly, I know that having completed the Famine leaves most people (myself included) with a sense of accomplishment, with the idea that "I survived!" But when I actually thought about it, I find that I could no longer feel proud of myself. Instead, I feel relieved and HUMBLED. Why? Because I struggled to do in 30 hours, what CHILDREN do for days and days. THEY are the survivors, not me. I am merely a spectator, let into their world for a flash of time, and so for me to feel like I accomplished something - while very normal and human - is missing the point a little. We came for the Famine, not to think about ourselves or focus on ourselves, but to understand and empathize with the people we are trying to help, to educate ourselves so we can offer the right kinds of assistance, and not waste effort and resources on what we "think" people need, but rather getting down to the ground and learning what they would really benefit from.

The only way we can actually do any of the above is to keep our thoughts focused on THEM. Any situation we encounter within the duration of the camp should be experienced and interpreted within the context of WHY we chose to do the Famine in the first place. If the point was to learn, then our comfort, our needs and expectations must be secondary to this incredibly humbling, worthwhile experience.

I'm grateful for this year's camp. It's taught me so much about myself, things that I'm not proud of, things that I'm now aware I take for granted. And also the home truth that if we want to actually start to help others, we need to wrench our focus away from ourselves and really take a look at our surroundings. The trick now is to continue to keep that focus once we're back in our bubbles.

- :) -

2010-08-03T20:02:00.000+08:00

So much learned in so little time... And still infinitely more to discover and master. Something as simple as two little words have the power to bring so much happiness. Who would have thought. So much in life to see, to experience. But these small moments, pockets of bliss, are worth as much as the most brilliant sunset, if not more. And I pray they last a lifetime.

Learning Curve...

2010-07-16T23:32:00.003+08:00

I've been learning a lot lately.

About how real transference-countertransference is in a counseling relationship.

About how much a someone's positive regard can matter.

About what it really takes to be loving towards someone - it isn't just being affectionate; it's about doing what you know is best for them, regardless of the cost to yourself.

About how idleness is the worst state to be in because it's then that my mind wanders to where it should never go. Not anymore.

About how love and self-control go hand in hand.

About how dreams and reality can be disparate in ways that force us to face new heights of dissonance; but ultimately, it also serves to help me realize just how much I can take and still be me. Good feeling, that, though lots of times, it's a consolation more than anything else.

About how to accept the things I can never, will never be able to change; things that my heart longs for but my head knows can never be so.

About how capable I really am of standing alone. And being more able to love because of it.

About how growth never follows a straight trajectory; it's fluid, and there are always lessons to keep on learning, even after we think we've already learned them.

In short, I'm learning to live 1 Corinthians 13 over and over again. Who would have thought, that in less than 3 months, so very, very much can change. Least of all, me.

Grrreen.

2010-06-28T11:49:00.001+08:00

I hate green. Green is not my color. So why am I in over my head in it? Argh.

..

2010-04-21T00:05:00.003+08:00

There's always a price to pay. No matter how long it takes. There's always a price. I understand that now. I just never thought it would hurt quite this much. But I deserve it. So I shan't complain. I brought this upon myself and have no other but me to blame.

Hm

2010-04-09T20:12:00.003+08:00

How strange that time is so relative. When I see 7 minutes remaining on a series, I know there's a whole bunch of stuff still left to happen. 7 minutes left on a deadline is almost negligible. Wonder why.

Walls

2010-04-05T10:06:00.002+08:00

I need clarity. Focus. Something. I woke up from a dream that's left me a tad disoriented but at the same time, it made hilariously aware that some things are quite deeply ingrained, even in my subconscious. I'm trying my best to learn. To remain two steps back. So much so I'm getting good at building walls. I doubt it's healthy but it helps keep me sane for the moment. No one needs to know how what they do affects me. Why should they? Life is complicated enough as it is. Funny how I never was this way til last year. But people change, I suppose. I just guard myself more than I used to. Is that so bad? Considering the alternative, I don't think so.

Go...

2010-03-30T03:55:00.001+08:00

It's a familiar place, this. I just wish it wasn't so familiar. Might make it easier to sleep at night. :(

It's Only Words

2010-03-29T10:29:00.004+08:00

Words are my haven. I feel safe with them. I feel lost without them. So many times I have to try to cling on to actions, instead, as they're supposed to speak louder than the words I crave - words that are somehow always few and far between. I can't explain how lost I feel without them. How many times they have been what has stood in the way of my going mad with worry, anxiety, grief. I survive on words, thrive on them.

People just don't realize how important they are. They confirm the meaning in our actions. They provide the context, so that others can understand the gestures that we make to show some feelings that, admittedly, words may not always adequately express. We so often underestimate the power of words, that we neglect to use them, believing that actions always speak louder. Is this necessarily true? Just consider the many ways in which a single action can be interpreted.

Some think that if something is said too much, it loses its meaning. Well, sure, familiarity tends to do that, make a sentiment no longer novel. But what of a meaning that goes beyond mere feeling? Is it so easy to lose then?

Granted, I may need words more than most, but I still believe we place too little importance on them in this day and age. What happened to the poetry that spoke from heart to heart? The letters that could run on for page after page? The stories rich with descriptive life, drawing you into a world of colorful people, glorious scenery, mysterious intrigue? How many write those now, let alone appreciate them?

Our ancestors understood and appreciated the power of the word in ways we seem to have forgotten. Will we become so afraid of exposing our hearts that we shy away from one of the few things that make us human?

Dawning..

2010-03-26T02:21:00.004+08:00

I don't deserve him. And yet, there he is. He doesn't believe it. I doubt he can even see it. But I am so incredibly blessed. I can only pray that in time he will be able to see himself through my eyes. Then he'll understand. I really could not ask for more.

Dilemma...

2010-03-09T01:25:00.000+08:00

We watch. We wait. We stop. When there's nothing we can do, time slows to a standstill. What do we do with this time we have? What we choose -- is it for us? Do we actually think before we decide? Or do we go with what our hearts tear at us to do, even though if we gave it any thought, we'd see that all we're doing is indulging our fears? Sometimes even if it means welcoming heartache, the best we can do is stand down.

Sultry, Steamy..

2010-03-09T01:01:00.003+08:00

The tango is so hard to watch. *shivers*

~~~

2010-03-01T01:32:00.003+08:00

I think I need to breathe. Old habits die hard. I need to stop feeling like I need to twist myself into an unrecognizable knot to accommodate what I think is needed. I feel myself slipping back into that pattern and it's not good. Especially considering the direction that this is taking. I can't go back to being that person. I can't.

Hope

2010-02-26T01:56:00.004+08:00

It's such a tiny word. Yet it carries so much meaning that we struggle to understand, to grasp what it really is all about. And until we can see that hope is not a word, but a person, we will continue to be blinded to the true fullness of joy that it can bring. Where Love abounds, there is always hope. And where Love abounds, there is joy and peace in the knowledge that we will never be forsaken. It is Christ who is our hope. It is the blood He shed so that we might live. It is the irrefutable knowledge that God IS on our side, no matter our present circumstance. We have the ear of the Almighty Creator. More than that, we have His unfailing, unchanging love. It isn't something we have earned; it is there for the taking if we would only open our eyes and see. And when we do, when we finally recognize that it is Jesus standing there in front of us with His arms and heart open with an unending outpouring of unconditional love, then and only then will we begin to understand the true meaning of the hope that we have in Him. Our God loves us beyond our understanding, beyond anything we could even begin to contemplate. If only we could see this and really begin to live with the full knowledge of our true worth in the eyes of our Father, who created us all for the sole reason that He loves us.

-non-

2010-01-25T20:57:00.003+08:00

One week left til my proposal is due. I never thought the day would come when I actually had to do a thesis. It always seemed so far away, like it was never really ever going to happen.

But reality has a way of sneaking up on you, and in less than a year, I should have completed my very first solo research project. Which is a scary thought in and of itself.

On a less panic-inducing note, I think I'm finally getting the hang of reining in my emotions. I used to go into emotional overload when things seemed to go awry but now at least I'm able to take a step back and remain in control of what I do. Growing up has its plus points, I s'pose!

Oh, if you're gonna make white coffee without sugar, make sure you make it strong. Or else it becomes coffee flavored milk. Bitter coffee flavored milk.

And on that random note, I shall bid thee adieu. Hee :D

note

2010-01-10T04:19:00.002+08:00

"What can I do, to make you mine? Falling so hard so fast this time. What did I say, what did you do? How did I fall in love with you?" ~ BSB

I risk. He's worth it. That's all there is to it, really.

La la la... :P

2009-12-14T16:34:00.001+08:00

I'm crazy about him. I am. I am. God help me, I am!

(Should I grin or sigh? Maybe both.)

Free...

2009-12-13T16:34:00.001+08:00

"I sing because I'm happy..."

I dream of running through an open field in the bright morning sun, a cool breeze in my hair, just happy and wild and free. I'm so tired of living within these constraints, where I'm not free to be who I really am. Where I have to hide behind this mask of professionalism and competence, because the world I live in cannot be reconciled with the quirky goofball I really am. I'm happiest when I'm at home, free to run and jump and dance as and when I feel like it. To sing at the top of my lungs and get nothing more than a few amused smiles from family who love me precisely because I AM that nut. The nosey little Chip. The bum who needs to get dragged around to do stuff on one day, yet needs little prompting to do something else on another. Only the people closest to me know that I hate being all serious and business-like, but force myself into the role because it's necessary to survive. I just wish I could find a niche where I can finally let the child in me be free, with no repercussions or remonstrations. Acceptance. Even that is more than enough.

stop!

2009-12-09T01:04:00.001+08:00

stop! shrieking, shrieking
piercing blasts of sound
talking, too much talking
who to listen to?
you? what do you want?
no, i'm not like that!
stop! begging, begging
please! a few moments
of peace and quiet
oh, will this never cease?
yes, yes i will - just
stop!
ten times, a dozen times
more?
red rivers everywhere
no, it wasn't me!
are you listening?
they just won't stop!
i just want them to stop.
please! just make them stop.
stop! stop! stop!

In-security.

2009-12-08T00:35:00.002+08:00

We all have our little insecurities. It's also certainly quite interesting to note these insecurities in seemingly secure people. Most of the time, they're rather surprising. And fascinating! They add a whole new dimension to a person, and more often than not, should really be appreciated because they humanize even the most intimidating people. Understanding that some people may be motivated by insecurity, whether they themselves realize it or not, actually makes it easier to be less critical and more forgiving of faults. A lot of times, we try to disguise that tiny voice with displays of superiority, and some of us can actually make ourselves believe that that's what we are. The results of which can be quite tragic. What's the point in being "respected" out of fear? It's hardly a credit to ourselves to be put on pedestals for ability -- for what we can do, as opposed to who we really are. All that can be stripped away, but what remains are the fundamental values and principles that make up the biggest part of us. Can we honestly say that when that happens, we can still stand tall, knowing that we will still be respected, if nothing else? I never could see the point in making others feel small to feed our own sense of superiority just to compensate for that something that seems to be lacking in us. Whether we like it or not, sooner or later, the way we treat the people around us will come to matter more than how much better we are than them. And then what will we be left with? The same insecurities we started out trying to hide. Tis truly, truly sad.

Eeps!

2009-12-03T11:59:00.003+08:00

I've come to realize that I put too much stock into words. When at the end of the day, it is action that matters. The way I define love is probably different from the way a lot of people do. For some, going out on a limb would be a better indication of it, not waxing eloquent about it. I need to remember this, so I don't drive myself crazy comparing my way of doing things with others'. Not that I can wax eloquent about anything under any circumstances, but you get my point. I guess it's important to recognize that it's more in what they're willing to do, how far they're willing to go... rather than simply pretty, but ultimately empty, words. Hm. Or maybe I'm just thinking too much. Sigh. So what else is new?

!!!

2009-11-30T02:54:00.005+08:00

I'm scared witless. Because in spite of the surprising resilience that has dragged me out of so many stupid situations, I'm sick of getting hurt. Of finding out that all I've been doing is building castles in the air. That my feelings are never reciprocated in quite the same way... It takes its toll. Some insecurities are hard to overcome -- particularly when they've been hammered in over and over. My heart says one thing but my brain screams another. I just need a break. From all these emotions. But how do I run away from something that is very much a part of me? I can't escape it, so I'll have to learn to deal. Somehow. And someday maybe there'll be someone who will be able to accept me -- romanticism, expressiveness, insecurities and all.. and dare I hope, love those annoying parts of me too.

Dreamer...

2009-11-17T02:28:00.003+08:00

Thinking back on what I used to write about, I have to laugh. Not just because of the extreme idealism that pervaded almost everything I wrote on this subject, but because I've come to realize that the very same idealism remains -- it's just a lot better disguised now. I don't do myself any favors, of course, by reading and listening to the things I do but I can't help it; I rather enjoy feeding my imagination, though, to be quite honest, it doesn't need all that much help to move it along... Why am I this dreamy? I can't remember a time when I wasn't. Even as a child I was always half-living in an entirely different world. I haven't changed much from the little girl who used to daydream about going on adventures like the Famous Five or solving mysteries like the Three Investigators. I've just learned to make the line less blurry. But difficult to live with or not, I don't ever want to lose this side of me. It keeps me child-like and helps me see the wonder, the possibilities life has to offer. Besides, it's fun. It really is!

Isn't It Ironic?

2009-11-07T21:47:00.006+08:00

None of us can completely escape hypocrisy. What separates us is whether or not we realize this. If we search ourselves deep enough, we'll know that we haven't always met the standards we set. Yet we still readily impose these standards on others. What we often don't realize is that even while we do this, and scorn them for not living up to our standards, we fail to live up to theirs too, albeit in a different way. No one has the right to belittle another person, in any way or form, for any reason. Sadly, it's more often than not when we say that... that we proceed to do the very thing we scorn.

- - -

2009-11-06T07:16:00.002+08:00

How often do we walk through life forgetting that we aren't the only ones there?

People matter. Regardless of how insignificant someone might seem in the so-called grander scheme of things, nothing gives us the right to treat them so.

We may be the center of our own little universe but until the earth starts to revolve around us, we should hark up to the fact that there are different ways to be significant. And the inability to realize that is one of the saddest things I've seen.

The "open" mind can sometimes be the most closed. Pity.

Hm..

2009-08-09T20:27:00.005+08:00

It's funny how things always seem to progress to a point where you start to think that it could not possibly get any worse. Which I suppose is a good thing, at the end of the day, because then the only way left to go is up. Somehow. Some days, even when things don't make sense, I'm at ease and able to go with the flow. Other days it's almost as if I can't move til I understand. And I'm just beginning to realize that this is real. This struggle is me finally starting to be real. The good part is, though, that I know I'm never alone in this. His faithfulness is what has been pulling me through all the times where my mind feels like it's been turned inside out. It has sometimes been my only comfort, remembering that Jesus loves me, even when I cannot feel it. Even when I'm fighting the inner demons that demand to surface. He's always there. And strangely enough, every single time, he gives me the strength to pick myself up and try again.

Perspective...

2009-07-18T00:33:00.003+08:00

A trip down memory lane made me realize a few things about myself and the person I was not too long ago. How much damage focusing solely on myself and my feelings wrought upon my psychological and emotional health. I chose to blame someone else when really, the fault was my own. I almost lost one of the best people I've ever known through my self-centeredness and I can only thank God that he loved me enough to stick around.

:)

2009-07-13T12:19:00.004+08:00

Every virtue in your soul is a precious ornament which makes you dear to God and to man.
But holy purity, the queen of virtues, the angelic virtue, is a jewel so precious that those who possess it become like the angels of God in Heaven, even though clothed in mortal flesh.

~ St. John Bosco ~

Friends

2009-07-09T23:07:00.002+08:00

It's amazing how in a world filled with such diversity, we all manage to find kindred souls. Like-minded people with whom we can just click and be so comfortable talking to, or even better, be comfortable enough to just be together without feeling the need to fill in the "awkward silence".

Friends a such an incredible blessing from God. When I actually spend time thinking about it, I realize what a gift it is to have someone who knows and loves me for who I am. Who accepts me, virtues, faults and all the stuff in between. And the even more amazing thing is -- God's blessed me with so many! People who would be there for me in a heart beat, just as I would be for them.

In a world that's becoming more and more individualistic by the day, I cannot reiterate enough how absolutely thankful and glad I am to have friends who genuinely care for one another. Who actually want to be a part of each others lives. And I don't ever want there to be a day that goes by that I forget to appreciate the joy they bring to my life.

Lessons...

2009-07-08T20:17:00.004+08:00

There has been so much to be learned over the past couple of weeks about honesty, awareness, love and simply about being human. So many pleas for sanity that cry out to be heeded. The whirlwind we live in seems to be sweeping everyone along at a pace that only allows room for a narrow, self-focused way of life. Oh, that we would look at others and see human beings -- with thoughts and feelings and all the other baggage that comes with being homo sapien! How much more meaning would life have if we could see the people around us for who they are, bringing life to our surroundings, rather than just being mere backdrops to the dreary monologue of our lives. Different personalities add color, different views add spice... Life is so much more full when lived with and for others! Oh, I pray that I will not get so caught up with the solitary "I" that I forget to look around me ... and live.

Argh.

2009-07-04T19:12:00.004+08:00

God gave us siblings for a reason. I know he did.

I just have to figure out what that reason is.

:D

Okay. So I know what the reason is after all ... Irritate each other or not, there's no one I love more in the whole world :)

Rambles...

2009-07-01T18:15:00.002+08:00

It's funny how we can develop affection for some people over such a short period of time. What is it about some individuals that just makes them stick out in our minds and memories? Over the past couple of weeks I've learned that looking beyond the facade can actually be rewarding and that really talking and listening to people is key to forming the right impressions. Had I stuck to my initial reaction, I definitely would not have had the privilege of getting to know a rather unique person who actually exemplifies the fact that seemingly constant activity doesn't necessarily belie a lack of depth.

I suppose part of it is an actual effort to notice the details. Body language that is sometimes so subtle you won't notice it unless you're actually paying attention, not just to what is being said.. or even how it's being said. That being said, though, this is easier to do with some people than others -- wanting to make that effort, that is. I don't know.. it could just be that some folk are more engaged than others. It's pretty hard to get to know people who are detached most of the time. Yours truly being guilty as charged. Can't even begin to count the number of people who've misread me over the years.

Hm. I'd say I'm digressing but I don't suppose you can actually digress when there isn't a point to digress from in the first place. Oh well. I reckon my sort of point was just this: I'm glad I decided to look further than the obvious. It's really paid off :)

-untitled-

2009-06-27T10:00:00.003+08:00

Everyday I begin to realize more and more how much I really need to depend on God. To trust that He always knows best, and that only He knows what will ultimately make me happy. I will never know myself as well as He does - He created me, after all. It's a struggle to surrender certain parts of my life to Him, though, and sometimes I wonder if I can... But then I remember that it isn't by my strength that I can - it's only by His love and mercy and grace. So there's always a tug of war going on within myself between my need to be in control and the knowledge that I will only ever really be free when I give that control to the one who knows and loves me more than I could ever hope to imagine. I just pray that I will be able to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus - to trust in His promises and believe in the power of the love that He has for me.

A New Beginning...

2009-06-16T12:23:00.004+08:00

So many people are hurting. So many hearts are broken. Sometimes it's just so hard to reach out for the One who wants to take away all hurt. To bring peace to the anxious, comfort to the lonely. I know the discouragement, the disillusionment. I know the confusion and the wondering whether it really is all just a story...

But the person I am today, right here, right now, is a living example that it isn't just a story. Jesus is real. His love is real. I was so lost and now... Now I live with a peace that comes not from a state of mind or a pleasant environment. It comes from a God that is ALL love. His mercy and forgiveness was always there for the taking. All I had to do was just reach out and grasp it.

I am saved by His love. I am made whole by His love. And nothing and no one can take that love away from me. It is only I who could choose to walk away. But that would be the most idiotic thing I could ever do in my lifetime. It makes no sense to choose temporary satisfaction over the love of Him who died that I might live.

Do you have any idea how amazing a love that is? Constant, faithful, everlasting and unconditional love. I never want to let go of it because to live like I once was would be a fate worse than death.

He Holds The Keys!

2009-06-07T02:14:00.005+08:00

And to all the things that have kept you away
That keep you defeated day after day after day
The heartache that nobody sees
That eats at your soul like a cruel disease
He who sets the captives free
It is He, it is He who holds your key!

He holds the keys
He holds the keys
Although we've been held captive
At long last we are free
For He holds the keys!

~Steve Green~

Jesus loves us all so very much... He really does.

Go Go Power Rangers!

2009-06-04T18:24:00.003+08:00

Childhood memories die hard :)

I've been watching Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers (Season 1) on YouTube, and I'm hooked. Just like I was 16 years ago *looks sheepish* It was THE coolest TV show at the time, and Jason the Red Ranger (actor: Austin St. John) was my first ever celebrity crush, so you can imagine the fascination I have now watching the show (and seeing how incredibly one dimensional the Red Ranger really was lol). Ah well.. it's always been the alpha male that got my attention. Even as a wee 6 year old! :D

What strikes me as being really cute, though, is the way the show tried to incorporate moral values, like having self-confidence, believing in yourself, trusting in your friends... and recycling. Saving the earth from pollution. The Power Rangers weren't just superheroes .. they were civic conscious superheroes! And what better role models for children, hey? ;)

Okay, it's Morphin' Time! (Helloooo YouTube! :P)

Beautiful Savior

2009-06-03T01:39:00.009+08:00

This life is a transition, a journey home to where we really, truly belong. Oh, how I long to be in His presence all day long! To immerse myself in His abundant love, outpoured...

No more searching. For I am found.

No more emptiness. For I am filled to overflowing.

He is the promise of forever... Beautiful Savior. Blessed Lord!

Psalm 23

2009-05-29T01:02:00.002+08:00

Jesus, my shepherd and only provider
He makes me lie down in green pastures
He leads me beside the still water
He restores my soul

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me
All the days of my life
And will dwell in house forever
Until the end of time

Jesus, my shepherd and only provider
You make me lie down in green pastures
You lead me beside the still water
You restore my soul

Though I walk through the valley of shadows
I will not be afraid
Your rod and staff are my only comfort
And You'll be with me always

You prepared a table before me
In the presences of my enemies
And you anoint my head with oil
And my cup overflows
My cup overflows with your love
With your love

Jesus, my shepherd and only provider
You make me lie down in green pastures
You lead me beside the still water
You restore my soul

This song is so beautiful, it never fails to move me... Then again, it IS a Psalm... :)

And The Greatest Of These..

2009-05-21T01:08:00.006+08:00

I always understood the importance of emotional intelligence at head level but it's only lately that I'm coming to see why people put so much emphasis on it. The lack of it really plays havoc with my ability to love... Sometimes because I lack EI, others because someone else does. Either way, the effect is the same. I don't love like I should be doing.

So I made this list, of things in myself and others that irritate me, just so I know the things to look out for, and therefore pay closer attention to in terms of my reactions to them.

1. A person with a crazy IQ can still have an alarming lack of empathy, or even see no need for it -- which is, frankly, scarier.

2. Not realizing that listening is, most times, more important than talking and pushing to get our points across no matter what.

3. Having the idea that friendship is something we have a right to, and that we should be thanked for the things we do for the people we love. If it's out of love, it's a choice we make... expecting thanks just makes it another self-serving act.

4. Not knowing the difference between being optimistic but realistic as opposed to operating on the sort of blind idealism that sometimes creates more problems than we intend. Which is a shame, really, because our intentions tend to be good in instances like these.

5. Violating the unwritten rule that what is said between friends remains between them, unless permission is otherwise given. For me, this is a serious breach of trust - using information given in confidence to manipulate or threaten the people who entrusted us with it in the first place.

6. Is it really so difficult to ask politely for help? The world doesn't owe us its servitude.

7. Using sarcasm as a way to lash out at others is low. Very low. I will forever be sorry for stooping to that level, justified or not.

8. Heaping more pain and guilt on a loved one who is already suffering to satisfy our own need for "getting my own back".

We've all experienced one or more of these things, either as a recipient or the one having the lapse. It isn't pretty, is it? True, there are people we just can't get along with. So we keep our distance and maintain the peace with them, rather than engage in battles day in and day out that do nothing but wound both parties.

Funny how the simplest things in life are the hardest to do. Is there any wonder that "... the greatest of these is love"? There isn't anything that's harder to do but ultimately more rewarding than love. Now if only I could somehow learn to...

Itchy Fingers :)

2009-05-20T09:23:00.005+08:00

I have to write this. These stories have been in the papers the past couple of days and they're seriously hilarious.

1. "The only difference between Man Utd and Liverpool was the number of expensive players they have."

Hm. It's interesting, though, to note that Torres was bought for a significantly higher fee than Ronaldo, purportedly Man U's best player. Ferdinand was injured for a big chunk of the season and was replaced by a rookie in Evans. Tevez is on a loan at United. Berbatov didn't live up to his value in most games. Fergie had to play either a kid (Rafael) or a utility man (O'Shea) as a right back for most of the season because of injuries to Neville and Brown. Vidic, Park, Anderson and Evra were barely heard of before they came to United. Fletcher made a significant contribution to the team, yet he's hardly a big name star. Giggs and Scholes have been at United forever, so how do you calculate their value?

It's silly to say that the only reason Man U won was because of money. True, they have a depth in their squad matched possibly only by Chelsea, but that's mainly due to the genius of Ferguson in developing not just his senior team, but the young players he has. And also, credit shouldn't be taken away from the Man U players who don't fall into the "expensive" category. Man U play as a unit and the team has created stars, rather than winning because they already had them in the first place.

2. "If there was another month left in the season, Liverpool would've caught up with/surpassed Man U."

Newsflash, old boy, but there WAS another month in the season. Several, in fact, when Liverpool failed to capitalize in games they should have won. It really comes down to the team that they hit their stride so late in the season. Wishing that there was another month left is completely ridiculous coz they should've been doing the job from the start. Playing really well for a couple of months after consistently underachieving and then saying that the best team hadn't necessarily won is a joke. Winning games is what wins you titles. Not drawing them. It doesn't matter that they only lost two -- dropping two points per game adds up and they're learning that the hard way.

Phew. Okay. Rant over. It's all about being realistic. If Man U played as Liverpool did throughout the season and lost, I'd still say they got what they deserved. No matter how painful it is not to win the League. I said it after the FA Cup final against Chelsea. And I'll say it again if they don't live up to the standard needed to win games and trophies. It's just that simple.

Beautiful

2009-05-19T17:47:00.001+08:00

I'd Rather

2009-05-14T10:32:00.004+08:00

I love this song because of the lyrics :)

I thought sometime alone
Was what we really needed
You said this time would hurt more than it helps
But I couldn't see that
I thought it was the end
Of a beautiful story
And so I left the one I loved at home to be alone
And I tried to find
Out if this one thing is true
That I'm nothing without you
I know better now
And I've had a change of heart

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart

And then I met someone
And thought he could replace you
We got along just fine
We wasted time because he was not you
We had a lot of fun
Though we knew we were faking
Love was not impressed with our connection they were all lies, all lies
So I'm here cause I found this one thing is true
That I'm nothing without you
I know better now
And I've had a change of heart

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
Who holds my heart

I can't blame you if you turn away from me, like I've done you,
I can only prove the things I say with time,
Please be mine

I'd rather have bad times with you,
Than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm,
Than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together,
Than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart

I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
Who holds my heart

~Jasmine Trias~

I Believe

2009-05-13T23:11:00.003+08:00

I believe that God sends people into our lives to teach us something about Him, about ourselves, about love. These experiences may not always be smooth or easy but ultimately, we grow. It's interesting, though, that the one who has taught me the most about valuing myself as a person is one whose name belies a potential that boggles the mind, if only he realized it.

... Life on this earth is passing. Maybe we should start thinking beyond the acquiring of wealth, power, knowledge, to a place where all these things will no longer matter, and all that will is how much love we have given to others. Love. For so long we've been surrounded by the idea that love is something that exists in its fullest only between a man and a woman. We forget that love abounds in any relationship we have, family, friends, and more importantly - God.

I have to remember this, as I fill my days with work, so that I never lose sight of what's truly important - that every day, I will do my best to love everyone I come across, no matter how difficult it may be.

Early Morning Musings...

2009-05-12T06:54:00.004+08:00

It is a wonderful thing to be able to stand alone. To be strong enough to face hell on your own. But in the past week I've learned that it also takes a different kind of courage to admit that there are things we are just can't do by ourselves, that sometimes, we need to be able to give up pride and rely on the strength of others. It isn't weakness to say I can't do this on my own. We were not created in isolation and there will come a point in time when we will have to learn to trust in the people who love us. It isn't easy being vulnerable, and it sure doesn't give the ego a boost to realize that I'm exposing my weaknesses to someone else. But giving up that need for control, the idea that strength lies only in the ability to face the world alone... it brings with it a sense of peace that I never really thought to experience. As well as an accountability that we all need, regardless of who we are. True, it is important to be able to be independent and stand up for ourselves in this world... but to me, being able to turn to someone else and say "I need your help" is equally as important in order for us to have a balance in our lives. Otherwise, we run a serious danger of becoming egotistical and that, maybe more than anything else, is what drove home this point for me. It is something I shall continue to strive for every day -- the humility to accept that I cannot always turn my life around on my own, and I pray that I will one day come to a point where I can fully accept that I am no superwoman, as much as I would like to think I am :)

Pretty Pictures in the Park

2009-05-04T18:37:00.005+08:00

I filched this off Su's blog :) We're keeping the KLCC camwhoring tradition alive, baby! Only thing missing: Sharmin Devinder Cheema!!!! *sniffles*

SS-SB

2009-05-03T02:08:00.002+08:00

Love. To love. To be loved. We all look for that. Crave it, even. But most of the time, it stares us directly in the face. There's a love that goes deeper than it's humanly possible to imagine. A love that is constant in the face of anything. A love that would make giving up everything - including one's life - a no-brainer. I've come to realize that I'd take a fall for someone I love this much. Even if it ruins me or takes my life.

I Love...

2009-04-30T22:55:00.005+08:00

I love the sound of the rain pouring outside my window. Snuggling up in bed with a book, all warm and comfy underneath the blanket...

I love the smell of the earth after a thunderstorm. It all feels so fresh and renewed...

I love the sights and sounds of the dawn, sunlight just peeking out above the clouds, slowly bathing the world in a shining golden light...

I love the feel of the cool evening breeze against my skin as I stand in the middle of the garden, surrounded by beautiful, carefully tended flowers blooming in an astonishing array of colors...

I love standing at the ledge of a cliff, looking over a deep valley surrounded by majestic mountains, in awe of the terrible beauty of their treacherous landscapes, of trees and vegetation growing tall and thick and strong...

I love walking down the edge of the water, feeling the waves lapping against my bare feet, the wind in my hair...

I love watching the sun set over the sea, casting a comforting glow over the water, a warm goodbye til the dawn breaks once again...

There's so much peace to be found in nature. So much comfort. How often do we take the time to truly appreciate the beauty around us? I wrote this to remind myself of just how much there is to be in awe of and inspired by in this world :)

When Titles Elude You..

2009-04-29T20:12:00.004+08:00

Last night, Daddy posed what seemed like rather mundane, every day questions to us in the weekly ABF sessions to help us in our search for our mission in life. Things like: which TV shows do you like most and why, what drives you, etc. Rationale being what you're passionate about should provide a good clue as to what your mission should be.

Normally I would list a dozen shows, books, genres that I love simply because they're fun as hell, but when it comes to the things I really get hooked to, I discovered 2 things:

1. I like seeing change. Both physical and in terms of confidence, assurance, self belief... And it doesn't really matter so much that the shows are more than crap half the time, it's the people that fascinate me.

2. The reason I like profiling stories so much is because it comes down to understanding human behavior. Being able to see the patterns in why people act the way they do, and in the case of criminals, recognize how and why a pattern deviates. It's endlessly fascinating.

And as for the driving force in my life? The answer should be pretty obvious by now -- people. I don't mean in the sense of socializing so much as that I'm genuinely interested in people. Even though I can talk non-stop if you let me (under most circumstances, anyway :P), I actually prefer to listen. Unless someone's pissing me off, in which case it'd be crazy hard to keep my mouth shut, I would generally rather have you tell me about yourself than vice versa.

So... no BIG surprises there, since it pretty much confirms what I already know I want to do, i.e. work with people. It's just a matter of figuring out in what capacity. However, it was interesting to note how the things I gravitate towards actually mirror what I'm really all about. It's something that I must admit I never noticed before, let alone thought about. Now if I could just figure out what it all means... :)

To The Hill And Back!

2009-04-27T15:24:00.004+08:00

And so, after 6 long years, the Fernandez family heads up to Fraser's Hill. What has changed? Everything and nothing.

There's lots of renovation going on, most of the old places are getting new looks or being shifted around... But at the end of the day the result is still the same -- there's nothing to do! :P

Unless of course you're like me and are quite content enjoying the cool breeze (bliss!), absolutely stunning hilltop scenery, a good book and your favorite songs playing on a trusty Pod :D

The rest of the family got restless though, so after one night we're back home where there's air-conditioning and to quote the dad: "People!!!!"

But what is a Fernandez trip without it's fair share of mishaps? The casualties this time round were:

1. My running shoes (wore them out, poor souls).
2. Dad's running shoes.
3. Our digicam! *mourns*

Daddy and his butterfingers. Sigh. Tis why the number of pics taken this time around were severely limited. Sigh again.

I enjoyed the trip, though... I'm glad I'm finally fit enough to run around the hill to my favorite spots without keeling over after two steps. If only there'd been more time.. I would've liked to have been able to watch the sun set and go over a few things in a place where my mind is clear and without needless distractions.

Still.. it was nice to get away with the family. Even the bickering was fun, as always :) Here's to more random trips in the future (and may they be at least a day longer)!!!

The Good Life :)

2009-04-23T15:14:00.003+08:00

Emo days are over! I'm back to the "whatever" mode, which I like :P I just read something and realized the implications of it... and surprisingly enough, it didn't cut me to the heart, or some other drama-fied thing like that. Yay me! :D

On another note, I always thought it would be hard to cut back and eat healthily. The reality is, it actually isn't all that difficult. It's just a matter of making the right choices. Healthy food can be incredibly tasty if you know what to do with it :) And interestingly enough, once you get a taste for it, greasy and sugar-filled foods become less palatable. I'm not saying I don't like my desserts any more, but I don't crave them now, nor do I eat more than I should when I do have them, which I is what I used to do.

Most importantly, I feel better physically than I have in years... And all thanks to a more balanced diet and regular exercise :) Give it a shot ... you might just be surprised ;)

sigh

2009-04-19T00:53:00.002+08:00

Every once in awhile the feeling of "if only..." tends to sneak up on me, and tonight it's doing a fine job.

I guess the melancholy is more down to the fact that I've never really known what it's like. Partially my fault for being so damn picky, but yea. It's not that I'm unhappy. Sometimes it's just nice to have someone to call or think about, to do stuff with, to rant to...

Mmm... I shall let myself indulge a bit more and then snap myself out of it. Thank goodness that typically isn't a hard thing to do :)

Break!

2009-04-18T00:28:00.004+08:00

I just realized a possible reason why my taste has been so... eclectic.

The similarity theory apparently holds very true with me.

Geeks = attractive because me = geek.

Sigh.

Pumpkin soup with basil and cherry tomatoes + whole grain bread = a better meal than I expected :)

Okay, it's back to reading about the cerebellum I go!

"Little brain". How apt.

A Dream

2009-04-13T22:25:00.009+08:00

Oh, to spend the day in a quiet bookstore with a steaming cup of coffee, rain beating down outside the window as I lose myself in the world my imagination constructs with the aid of the book in my hands..

I can almost get a whiff of the wonderful smell of freshly brewed coffee mingling with the distinctly comforting scent of books, both old and new, and the freshness of the rain soaked air as the door opens every now and again to admit a slightly bedraggled customer or two.

A proper, quaint little book cafe, filled with books from wall to wall. Oh, to spend a quiet evening in such a place!

But for now,... I dare only dream.

Maybe...

2009-04-11T17:35:00.002+08:00

Maybe one day
You will open your eyes and see
That what you hold in your hands
Without even knowing
Was always yours
Freely given
But fragile, even so

Maybe one day
You will open your eyes and see
That you never really had to
Search far and wide
Always looking for a sign
All you really had to do
Was open your eyes and see

Passion need not be all flame
Love need not always be a whirlwind
A gentle touch, a tender word
A light that shines
Constant and true in the darkest night

Maybe one day
You will open your eyes and see
That the promise of forever
Is standing right here
Heretofore, unseen

love

2009-04-07T20:06:00.007+08:00

In 1993...

So many wonderful memories... So much love :) These are the three most important people in my life -- have been and always will be. It took me some time to truly appreciate their value, but now I know that in spite of the ups and downs, nothing can ever take the place of the love of my family.

15 years later...:)

And So...

2009-04-05T17:04:00.002+08:00

I haven't slept so much in such a long time. It feels good to be able to close my eyes and relax as I listen to the rain pour down outside my bedroom window. It's been so long since relax has even been part of my vocabulary. "Chill-ax" has been more the thing since all we've been doing is work and even the most even tempers get frayed.. :)

I've been given a lot to think about these past couple of days and I have to admit I'm afraid. But there's no place for fear in this world, is there? The only way to win is to go ahead and try. What may seem like an easy thing for some people is daunting for me and I will need to dredge up some inner source of strength to keep myself from finding an excuse to bolt in the opposite direction. Because scared or not, I need this. More to the point, I actually WANT to do it. And as much dissonance as that creates, I'm sure enough of myself now to recognize fear for what it is and all I have to do is steel myself to face it.

On a happier note, the holidays are drawing near and an interesting but horribly emotionally taxing semester is almost at a close... Time does fly, huh? I hope the next semesters bring a little less drama and controversy but that's a very unlikely dream in my world :) Oh well, I can't say as I haven't had any fun in spite of all the American high school drama type nonsense that was floating around for a bit. Sometimes all you can do in the face of idiocy is find its funny side and laugh.

The beginning of 2009 has been eventful... I wonder what the rest of the year will bring...

Tell Me Why Love Story Is So Hard To Forget! :(

2009-04-03T23:17:00.007+08:00

I can't believe I've had two teeny bopper songs stuck in my head the past few days!

On the one hand, lil Archie's warbling "Tell me whhhyyyy you're so hard to forget..." and on the other, Taylor Swift's singing the strangest lyrics a girl her age could sing: "Marry me Juliet, you'll never have to be alone..."

I swear to you, it's the strangest combination of sounds ever. And to make things worse, I start singing along to my own version of Sweet Sixteen FM -- in baby tones, no less!

Why oh why can't I get a cool song stuck in my head for once? Then maybe I wouldn't annoy the people around me by singing the same old lines over and over again like a kid out of Barney.

Hmph.

I Want...

2009-03-31T21:52:00.003+08:00

To dance under the stars, twirling and laughing in his arms... To watch the sun rise with my head on his shoulder, fingers entwined... To walk along the shore, listening to the music of the waves... To enjoy a moving melody, or a beautiful composition with him... To talk the night away, without noticing the time go by... To laugh and cry without fear of recrimination... To just be, even in silence, knowing that sometimes mere presence is comfort enough... To love, and to be loved in return.

The Dance

2009-03-31T00:32:00.001+08:00

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you, I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say? You know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

It's my life, it's better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Sidenote

2009-03-30T20:06:00.002+08:00

How does a person get so wise?

I am in awe.

Baby brother's all growed up.

Sniffles.

OMG We Did It!

2009-03-28T14:15:00.003+08:00

Woohoo! Look at us! :D

Hahahaha I actually managed to complete the trekathon in one piece! Yay for the couch potato! :) Even better: we ended up being in the top 15 for our faculty, which means I actually got a GOLD medal out it for the women's team prize *roflmao* A funnier thing has never happened to me. But it was overall a fun experience and I'm glad I did it, and not just coz I got a medal :P Actually doing something like this with other students from the department was sweet -- I love the team spirit and togetherness that's there when we're all working together for something. It's one of the things I miss most about high school -- cheering our team on :) Then again, I'm a sentimental fool most of the time, so... Hehe. But I loved today. It was one of the best days of the year thus far :)

BPsych -- We are the champions! :)

Mmm..

2009-03-27T23:07:00.004+08:00

Songs have more power to make me cry than any book or movie I'll ever see. Music has the power to move me like nothing else can. A good melody reaches deep within me and curls itself around my heart until all I can feel is the music moving into my very soul. I don't even want to comprehend a life without music. It would be too bleak to even imagine.

.....

2009-03-26T22:04:00.003+08:00

I have to laugh. I don't know how a human can be an inhibitor, but jeeez, this has gone far enough. There is no point in wanting something that only ever makes you feel like less than you really are.

Lalalala....:)

2009-03-26T01:15:00.003+08:00

Today made me realize how much I miss those random choir competitions back in high school. More to the point, I miss the MGS choir! 5 years of hard work and fun, friendships formed and kept, skipping class to train, learning to train ourselves after our instructor met with an accident -- funnily enough, we did the best in the year we had no trainer -- won 2 district competitions and placed 3rd in the state championships. Not a bad haul for a self-taught choir, I have to say :) Sigh.. Memories! Even the awful uniforms now seem like an adorable quirk that was part and parcel of the MGS choir. It's been years and yet I can still remember the camaraderie, the fights, the horrible clashing notes, and then that moment when we finally get it right and everything falls into place... ah, magic! The feeling is indescribable! I miss that so so so much. I just wish we could find some semblance of that in the HELP choir -- it really would make a whole lot of difference!

Haha, but it has to be said, though -- the judges at the UM competition today were hilariously similar to the ones who judged the district and state choir competitions: they focused on so many trivial things while judging! It's a CHOIR competition, for crying out loud! It's the singing that should matter, not the uniforms or the way they were moving. Fair enough to penalize them if it affected the overall presentation, but if it didn't, it's fairly ridiculous to give the award to another, slightly worse choir, whose only saving grace was that they didn't take risks trying to make their performance interesting. Meh. Still rather geram about that bit. Hee!

Oh well.. I'm so happy I went to see that competition today, though. It's made me remember just how much I love singing in a choir, and what it's like to be part of a choir that can actually enter and do well in competitions. Ooooh, fingers crossed we'll get to that point while I'm still in uni to see it happen! :)

Hmm...

2009-03-23T13:45:00.003+08:00

Haha, have you ever obsessed about something so much just to suddenly realize how absolutely pointless it was to? It's funny, now that I think of it, that no matter what I do now, there's one obstacle that isn't going away, even if the outcome is favorable. And this is the one obstacle I'm most afraid of...

Life is funny, isn't it? Is there such a thing as pointlessness? Or do we have to give everything a shot anyway, regardless of an almost inevitable outcome?

Something to think about.

Random Thoughts

2009-03-22T01:54:00.008+08:00

**Warning: Super-emo post coming up!! Read at own peril :)**

I wanna know your dreams and make them mine... ~ Julio Iglesias

How often do we want to be understood yet fail to try to understand? Why is love now all about how you make me feel? We all have so much to give yet get so caught up in the taking. I want to be able to see the person, not the image. Know the man behind the mask. Laugh with him, cry with him, dream with him. Just as much as I want him to do the same with me. Not for me, with me. Being equal doesn't mean being just as good as each other at everything, at least not for me. It's about mutual recognition of the strengths and weaknesses we both have, of respect, of knowing that we both don't HAVE to be here, we choose to be. Understanding that by loving him, I give him the power to hurt me, but also realizing that I hold his heart in my hands. But if he does not want what I have to offer... loving him means letting him go so that he can find the one who really makes his heart soar. Love can be as painful as it is beautiful, yet if we really look, it is in the pain that its beauty really shines. Love me or don't, but know this: I would give you all I can and more.

Mini-Break :)

2009-03-19T23:31:00.003+08:00

I have to take my mind off Parkinson's for awhile. The words are starting to blur together and my mind is definitely rebelling at the number of chemical names I've read in the past week. Chemistry and me never quite got along, although I always managed to somehow do right by it in the end :)

Moving on...

The past few weeks have been quite surreal. It felt good to finally be able to speak about my fears, to finally trust enough to let that part of me be seen. I'm slowly starting to realize that there's no shame in weakness, provided you don't let it hold you back. Then again, it has to be said that some fears are stronger than others, and some falls too scary to risk. For the moment, at least.

I'm taking baby steps. It isn't easy but it's... freeing. And as soon as I stop trying to measure up to other people's standards, I'll be back on track again. Here's to me sticking to my resolutions this time!

And as for the rest of it...

Now, if only that epitome of cluelessness would see fit to pull off the blinders, then maybe things'll start to get exciting around here!! ;)

Pedestals

2009-03-18T11:06:00.000+08:00

They aren't healthy, pedestals. They dehumanize people. It doesn't matter how extraordinary someone is, they're still human. It's tough to remember that sometimes. Question is, why is it that some people have the power to hold you mesmerized? To drive out all semblance of intelligent thought and leave you with a self-inflicted psychological barrier that blocks the real you and projects a rather dull carbon copy version, instead. It's frustrating, to say the least. Especially when something happens that SHOULD knock 'em off, and you still keep pushing them back up there... Hooo boy. Always, always, asking for trouble.

...

2009-02-06T01:20:00.003+08:00

It's funny, the way life works. Unexpected things with unexpected results... Sometimes a lot of good can come out of something that seems bleak. It doesn't pay to have a negative outlook. It's normal to worry and wonder and even feel a little down sometimes, but it doesn't really have to go beyond that in most cases. I've learned over the past few months that emotions - both positive and negative - should never be taken for granted. It's so easy to go through life saying I'm happy or mad or sad, but never actually take the time to feel those emotions. Ever had periods on in your life where there was only numbness? It's one of the most disconcerting things ever.

!~!~!~!

2009-01-14T00:07:00.003+08:00

Drowning. Slowly. The walls I've put up are as much a prison as they are a sanctuary. I don't know how to bring them down again.

Tempting, so tempting to just allow the waters to close in on me.

It takes more, so much more than I am capable of. Maybe I once was.... Now, I would rather just walk away.

Change

2008-11-05T16:55:00.002+08:00

Funny how life and priorities change, even after such a short time. In the space of a few months, everything can change. In a matter of days, even.

I'll never regret the stance I'm taking. Even when I'm tempted to give in, just to have something to dream about between classes or in bed at night, I'm reminded that I CHOSE this path for a reason. That I have a goal in mind and a life that I want to lead. Dreams are empty -- unless you possess the strength of will to do whatever it takes to achieve them. Sure, dreams CAN come true -- what they don't tell you, though, is the effort that goes into it, the sacrifice.

Am I capable of that? I'm beginning to think I am. This year alone I have walked away from so many things that I loved for the sake of the future I aspire to. And while I feel sad about leaving them behind, I know in my heart that I've done the right thing.

It'll be awhile before I am able to know if this particular dream will come true... but the journey, fraught with potholes but filled with the wonder and excitement of new discoveries, new limits, is more than enough for now. The realization of that dream will be the icing on the cake. And that folks, is why I am no longer following the road that paves most of my writings in this blog... No more. That stage of my life is over... It is now time to grow up.

The Dark

2008-09-26T07:39:00.002+08:00

He still freaks me out. I can't look at his pictures without wanting to look away. It's really quite amazing how much of a psychological hold he has on me. And scary, too. But to act in a different manner around him would just alert others to the problem.. and I don't want that either. People choose whom and what they believe, regardless of truth, so I'm better off keeping mum on the subject. Tried once, failed miserably. Really - would you believe someone you've met only once over a friend? Doubtful. And that one fact of human nature has made certain that I can never, ever reveal what I know to be true.

-toolazytothinkoftitle-

2008-09-08T23:29:00.002+08:00

As much as I might gripe about extraverted intuition - it looks like it's saved me once again. Of course, when I refuse to listen to it, I usually end up in a messy situation that I really could've done without. But this time I did - and boy, am I glad I did!

Moving on...

Lately I find myself becoming a lot more cutting and caustic. It isn't very pretty. I must say that I usually regret being such a bitch after the fact, but I'm finding it harder than usual to rein in my tongue. Really not a good thing, and I can't seem to pinpoint the reason for this seeming lack of self-control.

I'm allowing too many things to get to me. Worrying about things I shouldn't be worrying about in the first place is using up a lot of the energy I usually reserve for being patient with the people I care about.

Anyway, if any of you read this, and I've been particularly mean lately - please know that I'm sorry. I'm really going to try and stop being so sarcastic all the time. Hold me to it, will you?

But Wait, What If...

2008-09-06T17:43:00.002+08:00

There are times when being so aware of the possibilities can be extremely annoying. Here I am, trying to read nonverbal cues, and all the while, my mind is churning up new ways to interpret them.

*pulls hair out*

Okay, so a big part of it is that I just want to be confident of something for once. My excitement is always tempered down by the realization that I could be completely misreading things. The point isn't whether I most probably am or not - it's simply this realization that pretty much dampens it for me.

It's funny.. I can give you about 10 different attributions for one simple act. Just one. And 9 out of 10 will be driving me crazy, because there usually is only one thing I want it to be attributed to, but my mind refuses to allow me even that one teeny luxury of being able to float on air.

However, as a defense mechanism against getting too hurt by my idealistic nature, this works perfectly. I have to say that much, at least. Pros and cons, people. Probably the one thing I'm reasonably good at determining.

Hooray for extraverted intuition.

If Looks Could Kill... Poor Laine Would Be Dieded.

2008-09-02T19:35:00.004+08:00

It's bad enough when someone doesn't like you. But it's a whole lot worse when:

a) You don't know why
b) The person has never spoken to you in their entire life!

I would prefer it if they just came to me and yelled. Or something. At least I'd know if it's justified or not. Better yet, I'd be able to defend myself...

The random glares and sideways glances are seriously unnerving. Not an experience I'd wish on anyone, of that I can 100% assure you.

*shudders*

Here I Am ~ Leona Lewis

2008-08-30T11:18:00.003+08:00

This is a crazy world
These can be lonely times
It's hard to know who's on your side
Most of the time

Who can you really trust
Who do you really know
Is there anybody out there
Who can make you feel less alone
Sometimes you just can't make it on your own

If you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
Well I'll always be your friend

When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, hmmm

If you have broken dreams
Just lay them all on me
I'll be the one who understands
So take my hand

If there is emptiness
You know I'll do my best
To fill you up with all the love
That I can show someone
I promise you you'll never walk alone

Well if you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
Well I'll always be your friend

When you need a shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am

Everybody needs somebody who
They can pour their heart and soul into

If you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I'll always be your friend

When you need a shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for the pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, Here I am

Of Lousy Thinkers and Mental Filters

2008-08-29T00:15:00.003+08:00

I amaze myself sometimes. And not always in a good way. I never actually stop to think about a lot of what I do and say - some of which could potentially come back to bite me on my well-padded rear... That being said, I tend to make lousy decisions when I think too much, too.

So what is a girl to do? Be grateful for the fact that in big decisions, at least, I'm capable of making sound ones. It's the little things, the every day stuff that I completely suck at. You wouldn't know it to see me, but oh the evidence is there, all right!

.. Hm. It does rather seem that all I ever do is complain about myself, doesn't it? Well, I'm not entirely as bad as I make myself out to be. However, I do wish I had some sort of mental filter. To help me differentiate between the proper response (that won't get me an undesirable outcome) and the out-of-whack one (which leaves me absolutely no room for edging out of trouble). Sigh.

I made a boo boo on Tuesday. Unfortunately, it is one I won't be able to fix. All I can do is cross my fingers and hope it all turns out for the best. Woohoo.

Ketawa! KETAWA!!!! Hehehehehe.

2008-08-28T12:29:00.002+08:00

Laughter is highly underrated. I've long discovered how laughing at even the most ridiculous things can turn my whole day around.

Sometimes it doesn't hurt to look silly - puts things in perspective when we can see just how pointless it is to take ourselves so seriously all the time :o)

PS: Am I allowed to be in love with Eddie Izzard? :D

Randomness At (Almost!) Dawn

2008-08-28T04:34:00.005+08:00

It feels so good to be able to be awake at 4.47 a.m. and not have to worry about waking up an hour or so later to go to work *sighs happily* It's been a long time since I've been able to enjoy the silence and peace of this hour of the night... I've rather missed it, come to think of it.

The internship I did was really an experience to remember. Teaching and working with children is not the easiest thing to do, but I have got to say: I enjoyed every second! They were some of the most lovable kids I have ever met and I'm so proud to have come to know them.

I really am going to miss seeing those kids everyday. I'm going to miss their whining, complaining, fighting, crying .. everything! But most of all I'm going to miss their smiles, the way they'd talk to me about their lives, their fledgling relationships (so cute!!), the way the youngest boy always left what he was doing and ran to me when I arrived there each morning... God, I really will miss them!

There was so much untapped potential there - bright, eager boys who really just need the right opportunities, the right guidance. But that isn't easy to come by, unfortunately.. And their lives lack the continuity and stability children need in order to be able to grow and become all that they can be. This feeling of helplessness is really quite annoying .. there are times when I wish I wasn't a mere 1st going on 2nd year student. At this stage, pretty much all I can give them is time, patience and all the love that is in my heart to give.

If only that were enough.

Updates! :)

2008-08-27T15:59:00.006+08:00

It just occurred to me as I was having my hair cut for the bazillionth time in my life that the hairdresser more or less commands our absolute trust. After all, they have the ability to make you look like a god(dess) or like something the dog dragged out of the drain. Frightening thought, actually. And I should know, having had my fair share of scrapes with hair massacre-rers. Thank goodness this time 'round my hair actually looks normal. I'm having a round of good luck this year with the species, and I'm infinitely grateful for that! :)

(And am I sounding more bimbotic by the second, or what? Haha!)

On a slightly more amusing note, it seems that the whole Anwar issue is so pervasive in Malaysian society that even the hairdresser aunty and her cronies are discussing it, albeit in Hokkien. Not that I understand much. But I did catch "BN hancur" in the conversation somewhere... Would've eavesdropped more, but it's a little bit pointless when you don't know the language from Swahili.

And finally, after 2 very long months, the 30 Hour Famine has come and gone - and been a huge success, if we do say so ourselves :) Everything went along well, with minor hiccups (to be expected with a crowd of over 500 people surviving only on mineral water) and there were some very good lessons to be learnt from it..

..Not least of which was that I now have infinite respect and admiration for all those people surviving famine, war and natural disasters. We had the luxury of looking forward to the glut of food available to us after the 30 hours, these people don't know if they'll even see their next meal. So while I'm quite pleased to find I can actually go that long without food, it's somewhat sobering to realize that what I have accomplished is nothing compared to what millions would consider a day in the life.

I'm just glad that the money we raised will be put to good use in lightening the load they have to carry everyday. If I'm proud of anything, it is that so many of us were willing to chip in and extend a hand to all those who do not have the luxuries we take for granted everyday. There's hope for humanity yet! :)

The requisite cam-whoring picture - taken sometime between registration and the opening ceremony.. Possibly even during! :)

The 500 ++ campers - can't help but feel very happy to be part of this crowd! They showed amazing spirit throughout the whole thing, and without their enthusiasm and active participation, I doubt it would've been the success that it was, so - a HUGE thank you to everyone who helped make HELP's 30 Hour Famine camp an experience to remember! :)

Just A Random Musing...

2008-08-16T17:48:00.002+08:00

Just a thought after watching last night's top headline...

Would someone who can lie at such a potentially catastrophic level really fear God so much that he would be compelled to tell the truth just because he was swearing on a holy book?

Honestly, people, if someone's prepared to lie on such a grand scale, do you really think they would stop on account of swearing on a holy book?

Someone like that has already disregarded the laws of the God he professes to worship, in which case, his swearing on a holy book would be absolutely no grounds for determining his honesty.

If I'd already broken so many laws of my religion, really - what's one more?

Something to chew on as this saga continues...

Malacca Road Trip a.k.a the Food Binge :)

2008-08-12T14:35:00.008+08:00

A picture chronology of how our first ever road trip together went - Malacca, 4th and 5th August, 2008 :)

The backpacker's we stayed at.. Had the wackiest owners, but they were a lot of fun :)

First stop: Jonker's for Chicken Rice Balls and Shopping!!! :)

The yummy, delicious, scrumptious, yummy chicken rice balls!! :)

And then on to terrorize shop keepers with, "No discount ah? Caaan la, aunty!!" :P

The colourful selection of mid-shopping fruit drinks we had a the Limau-Limau cafe..

Doing our bitchy model pose - the first time we ever got it right! :)

Of course, we had to make a stop at our favourite place in the world - the Jetty! :)

We look so happy.. Irony is that Vin was standing behind the camera going, "Laugh, people, LAUGH!" :P

SATAY CELUP!!!!!!!!!! No words. Absolutely no words. Aaahhhhhh... My mouth waters just thinking about it...

And no outing's complete without a little beer and fries.. At Geographers with Go Go Willie attempting to entertain in the background. Didn't quite succeed, poor thing.

Jonker on a week night... Spooky eh?

Day two - and we went in search of the best chi kueh ever made.. and found it too! :)

Had to make do with char koay teow as the char tao kueh man wasn't there :( Oh well.. better luck next time (Re: September!!! :P)

After breakfast, we went to Tengkera to seek out - lunch! Which was this gorgeous mee siam which tastes even better than it looks... we had nasi lemak and mee curry, too, but I don't have the pics of those yet..

... Oh, and let's not forget the pai tee! Which is only THE best I've ever tasted.. :) And this is one of the few times even I don't have to exaggerate :P

All in all.. it was a wonderful trip. It had all the elements of what makes a holiday fun - sun, sea, great food, awesome company, and lots and lots of laughter :) Here's to many more road trips - may they all be as fun as, if not more, than our first ever trip (alone!) to Malacca! :)

Words of Wisdom.. :)

2008-08-12T14:05:00.002+08:00

These five quotes stood out for me today.. Just when I needed a morale boost :)

* If you want to be successful, it's just this simple: Know what you're doing. Love what you're doing. And believe in what you're doing.
- Will Rogers

* The people that get on in this world are the people that get up and look for the circumstances that they want; and if they can't find them, they make them.
- George Bernard Shaw

* The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

* The best way to predict the future is to create it!
- Jason Kaufmann

* The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself.
- Mark Caine

Muddled

2008-08-07T18:07:00.002+08:00

Once again I have reached a stage in my life where I'm wondering whether I really have it as together as I actually wanted it to be at this stage of my life.. Academically, I seem to be doing fine on the surface but underneath it all is an uncertainty as to whether or not I'm actually prepared for what the working world will throw at me.

And in a profession whereby every decision I make could potentially impact another person's life, I HAVE to be accurate. There really is no room for error. I guess it's a good thing I'm realizing it while I still have time to do something about it... But at the same time, I'm also afraid that I'll never be good enough.

Sometimes I envy those people who are so sure of themselves and what they're doing. Certainty is something I'd do anything to have. But no matter how much I read, how much I think about something, I'm never certain because I'm so aware of the possibility that something could be wrong, no matter how small that possibility is.

It's probably why I'm always saying "I think" and "I guess" and "probably"... I'm very wary of saying something that people may interpret to be a finality because I know very well that it never is. At least, when I'm saying it. Although I suppose one could argue that that knowledge is a finality in and of itself...

Argh! Is there any wonder why I confuse myself all the damn time? *sigh* Oh well...

Interesting observation of the day: Caucs who live in Malaysia for a long time/grew up here have the STRANGEST accent. I really don't know how to describe it but, yea... It's strange :P

Will do a small Malacca update when I'm feeling less out of sorts. With a few pictures. Hehe... The BBC strikes again, baby! ;)

Unable to Think of Suitable Title :)

2008-07-31T21:39:00.005+08:00

I'm exhausted. More than I've been in a very long time. A big part of it is mental, I think. That and the fact that it's slowly starting to dawn on me that I'm not going to be having anything remotely resembling a proper rest til December. Whoopdedoo.

My fault, really. I shouldn't have tried to squeeze so many things into this hols - although in my defense, one part was completely unintentional. The worst part is I don't have the energy at the end of the day to do much more than have a shower, check my email (on an extremely slow dial-up modem) and crash. So my plans for actually doing some constructive reading have been somewhat stunted - haven't been able to do all I planned to do this holidays (partially the fault of TMNet.. no Streamyx = too long to download journals - if I actually manage to sign in at all). On the bright side, I did finish the few books I intended to, so that's a bonus...

I don't know why I'm rambling on about all this stuff. I just feel like writing, I guess. I've always found it therapeutic to give my fingers free rein... although maybe the final result may not be anything worth reading :) I don't mind actually ... it'll give me something to laughingly cringe about in a few days, months, years...

Breathless by Shayne Ward has been blasting in my head for days now, annoying the hell out of me. "If we had babies they would have your eyes.. I would fall deeper watching you give life.." Well. I have gotta say - this song may probably hold some appeal for me when I'm in my late 20s or summat, but I tell ya - if someone sang that to me at this point in time, incredulous laughter would be the kindest reaction I can think of. So.. it's a potentially romantic song. For some. I think. And what is it with Brit males who sing in falsetto and life partners? Daniel Bedingfield sang a similarly creepy line in If You're Not The One... ".. then why do I dream of you - as my wife?" Um. Wooh. Nice.

Moving on to another Brit who has had a starring role in my mental jukebox lately - James Blunt. Only one song though, and thank GOD it's the only song by him that I like - Carry You Home. And as tribute to the fact that it's the only song in my mental jukebox currently that doesn't make me wish I had a mental off button as well, I shall post my favourite verse and the chorus. Rather fitting lyrics, actually.. Fitting what, though, will be knowledge for my mental knowledge bank only. Whatever a mental knowledge bank is. Goodnight all!

If she had wings she would fly away
And another day god will give her some
Trouble is the only way is down,down,down

As strong as you were
Tender you go
I'm watching you breathing for the last time
A song for your heart
But when it is quiet
I know what it means
I'll carry you home
I'll carry you home

Choirs and Angels :)

2008-07-26T22:07:00.002+08:00

There are no words to describe how excited I am to be singing in a choir again :) There really are few things I enjoy more than that (as all my high school friends can readily attest to :P). Learning the score, fitting in the different parts, getting harmonies mixed up and having to relearn it, screwing up timing and having to start from scratch... All those make the experience all that much more interesting, annoying though they may appear to be.

But the crown jewel of it all has to be when finally, everything falls into place and everyone knows their part and are singing together in (almost! :P) perfect harmony. When what you hear is close enough to what you imagine it should sound like. When weeks of hard work all culminate into a masterpiece of sound.... Ah! There are very few things that stir the soul quite like human voices raised together in song :)

Well, in-tune song :P I do have my minor idiosyncracies and out-of-tune choirs/groups get to me almost as much as people who do vocal acrobatics without really having the ability to do it (I mean just those people who actually think they're good at it when they're not).

On another more random note - I just watched City of Angels, after years of wondering what it was about... And of course, ended up crying at how it all played out. I have to say that I can agree with his sentiment at the end - that having those few special moments with someone you truly love is worth all the pain that could potentially follow.

And I fell in love with Iris all over again.. It seems like my love affair with love songs of this sort will never end :)

Reminiscing...

2008-07-26T21:08:00.002+08:00

What we had together was completely unexpected and yet so beautiful that even now I can't help wishing that it could have lasted. But I realize that I still love him, even though the capacity is no longer the same. And that I love him for more than what he's able to give me ... I love him for who he is, a man that I trust and respect, whom I'm comfortable with and whom I understand almost as well as he understands me. A man whom I can only see getting better with age and maturity. I can simply look at him and be happy that he's happy. And smile wistfully while the thought crosses my mind that it'd be a lucky woman who one day captures his heart. Although the memory of what we had still makes me feel like I've lost something very special, I'm still happy I have that much - and that the respect and affection I feel for him is mutual. But most of all I'm glad that he came into my life... because now I finally know what it means to love a man unconditionally :)

Just a Short Musing..

2008-07-22T16:00:00.003+08:00

It hit me only recently just how different we are - especially in the way we approach the different facets of life. At first, I suppose that was part of the attraction, part of the initial appeal - that he had what I longed to have. But it's slowly dawning on me that if he intimidates me just by being who he is, no matter what happens, I won't be happy. Which is, quite frankly, a ridiculous way to live. It's difficult to remember your strengths when you're faced with a strong embodiment of your weaknesses.. and even harder to face those weaknesses when that embodiment happens to be one you respect and admire. So all things considered, I'm glad I gave myself a well-deserved kick in the rear. Sure will work to save my sanity in the long run. At least until I can be sure enough of who I am to face down that kind of certainty.

And if I have not made a lick of sense, forgive me. I shall endeavour to write something more coherent in the near future. :P

And So It Ends..

2008-07-22T08:38:00.000+08:00

If the notion of Freudian slips is true, then my making one of the biggest ones of my life has led to my also being able to observe how quickly the mind works to reduce the dissonance…

Because of that single slip, I am now ready to close the door on that particular dusty little corner of my life. To leave this story unfinished, just as I have with every story I’ve ever written (save one).

My pride will not let me stoop any lower than I already have… and my mind has finally gotten through to my heart – it is not supposed to be like this. I am reminded of a promise I made to myself a long time ago – and this time, I intend to keep it.

-in the internet cafe-

2008-07-18T17:28:00.003+08:00

Mm. It's been a long time since I've been blindsided by something that shouldn't really matter to me. Even though I'm probably reading way too much into the situation, I have to say - it's one of the biggest "ouches" I've experienced in a long, long time. That's what happens when you put too much stock into someone's opinion, I suppose...

It's funny how I get random flashes of how much I love the people in my life. I may not be the best at initiating contact, but I would go out of my way to meet them (barring parental disapproval, of course). I miss my cousins, I miss my friends - both high school and uni - and I miss my mum!!! A week without her is very lonely. I've probably just gotten too used to having someone to rant to in the evenings, and laugh with about random things that happened during the day... I'm just one of those really blessed children who have parents that can alternate smoothly between being a parent and a friend. And I have to say it again - I miss my mummy!! :'(

Strange how you can still feel like a child at 21... Parents do tend to have that effect, huh? :)

Short thought..

2008-07-17T13:27:00.003+08:00

The song going through my mind right now is In My Life from the musical Les Miserables.

Every word that he says is a dagger in me...

Mm. So true, that line. But I get the feeling I'm gonna be bouncing back from the temporary melancholy that's set in soon enough. Seem to be growing more resilient in my old age.. :)

Off The Top Of My Head!

2008-07-16T16:37:00.002+08:00

We're so bored! La Veina's actually playing some weird flower game thing next to me. I'm trying to think of emofied songs to sing so I can make myself all melancholic. Ya huh! That's how bored we are. Sigh. I just don't feel like driving home! Why is Klang so far away? It sucks. Oooh. Westlife rocks. I can't believe the World Of Our Own album came out 7 years ago. I feel very old, atm. But I still love the songs. Esp If Your Heart's Not In It. Very very true song. Don't know why people cling on to unhappy relationships. Life has so much more to offer.. but then again, it's true that it sucks to be lonely. Which is why we need friends! Friends who offer very strange advice at times, but still .. at least they care enough to offer advice. Hehe. Quite funny too. We're gonna make erupting volcanoes with Diet Coke and Mentos for the kids. Cool huh? Science experiments that make messes are always tons of fun. May not endear us to the supervisors, though. Wheeee. This is a way cool example of free writing. No thought involved. Well, not conscious anyways. I think. I'm not sure how that works exactly. If you've managed to read this far without getting a headache, I totally salute you. Oh btw, psychology is NOT a dead-end field. Some people should really straighten out that particular misconception. It's getting extremely annoying. Estoy muy aburrida! Quiero a dormir ahora :( Goodbye people. Gotta leave soon to avoid potential trouble in KL due to the arrest of Anwar. How very stupid. Ciao bellas!

-boredom central-

2008-07-16T16:24:00.002+08:00

Guess where I am now, folks?

Yup, you got it! In the computer lab in uni. Again.

ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

That's what I feel like doing. That and tearing my hair out. Internet's been wonky all the way since the Friday before last - with only two days of connectivity in over a week! Now apparently the fibre optic cable in my area's down (a fact which they neglected to inform me of after I called them three *tooting* times!) and will only be repaired by tomorrow. Info which I take with an oceanful of salt, I might add.

On another note - doesn't the government have better things to do than cause more trouble by arresting Anwar? Seriously, do they actually think doing stuff like that's gonna endear them to the average Malaysian? Hm... Sometimes, you just gotta wonder!